What If I?…

landscape photography of withered tree
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*Disclaimer: This post references one of my experiences with a suicide. It is not my intention for this post to serve as a trigger for anyone.  I do feel it is important to preface the article with this info should you feel the content may be to dark for you as a reader.  I can only share my real life experiences as this is a platform that I take pride in.  We all have a story to tell. My goal is to let you know that you are not alone in this journey. Should you feel this is not an article for you, I do understand. Thank you for your support*

We worked together for a year and what a wonderful year it was.  From my view he was a young and aspiring employee.  Someone who was going to go far because of his drive and determination. We were like a family while we were away from our families.  We had a bond. Some days it was like brother and sister. Some days he referred to me as a mother figure.  At the end of our assignment together we wished each other well and went our separate ways.  We kept in touch.  He told me he that he applied for another job where he would relocate and be in a position to mold new employees.  I was excited for him I believed he would do great.  We still kept in touch, then the contact was less and less.  I received word from a mutual acquaintance that he was in trouble and it was going to hit the media.  I was shocked when it did.  He reached out for help.  I assisted him where I could.  He was sentenced to prison.  I kept in touch with his spouse.  Then for some reason that contact faded.  We moved overseas…I kept putting off writing him because well you know I am a procrastinator.  I was sure I had time. He wasn’t going anywhere.  I will get to it I thought. Then one night, in the middle of the night, my phone was blowing up. I was getting facebook messages and I was being tagged in posts.  The headline read that he committed suicide. End of Story(there were details but it didn’t matter). I was sad, mad, angry, heartbroken and I felt guilty. I wondered…what if I had reached out earlier?  What if I had taken the time to visit him?  What if I?…To this day I still wonder what if I…most days I wonder why…Those are just some of the questions I have that I will never get an answer to.  It is like reading a book that the author never got to finish. I don’t know if I will ever heal.  It is not because I don’t want to. It is because…well you know…

Suicide is real…September is Suicide Awareness Month…There are many resources out there to help you or someone you know to work through it.

Suicide Prevention https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Therapy for Black Girls https://www.therapyforblackgirls.com/therapist-directory/

Psychology Today https://www.psychologytoday.com/us

2 thoughts on “What If I?…”

  1. Thank you for sharing your story. I am moved. I am sorry to hear about your employee/friend and their family’s loss. The impact of suicide runs so deep, and the effects are lasting and painful. It is such a tragedy and the premature loss of life can leave us tethered to it, by its implications of contempt. Guilt. It can rob you of your peace. Where suicide is concerned, there are no guarantees in the land of “what if”. God bless you and keep you. More on this, please.


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